Category Archives: Twisted stuff

21 Ways Your Anxiety is a Colossal Cunt

Written by Clara Brown

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, over 18% of American adults suffer from anxiety disorders each year. It’s close to 1 in 5 Americans, which leads me to the conclusion that some anxiety may be a normal but shitty part of “adulting.” Adulting blows. I’ve decided to toss my tact, professionalism, responsibility, and maturity out the window for a night because I hate “adulting.” Actually, I do this every night, but let’s pretend I didn’t say that.

Some people have learned ways to cope with their anxiety. It may be exercise, constant reassurance, medication, a pornographic film with a tube o’ lube (I recommend coconut oil), meditation, cheese balls, violent video games, boobs, fluffy teddy-bear dogs, screaming, or Tom Cruise. No, probably not Tom Cruise unless you’re watching the movie Legends and it’s the scene when the ancient Lord of Darkness appears. TIM CURRY, MY MAN! Or, your coping mechanism could be humorous articles with pretty GIF’s. What luck!

I need to get something off my chest. Some people are posers. Oh, you have a social anxiety/panic/fucking-freak-out disorder because you’d rather “Netflix and Chill” than go to a party? Sit down, dick. Because I didn’t write this for you.

For the actual sufferers out there, I hope I can make all of your anxiety demons scurry away so fast that two of them trip over one another and fall into an awkward sex pose. C’mon guys, just let it happen. It’s natural.

 

25 ways your anxiety is a COLOSSAL Cunt

 

1.) Worrying about dead people watching you do gross things.

Even if you don’t believe in the afterlife sometimes your mind wanders. Anyone would certainly be weirded out by the bullshit I do when I’m alone. What if the dead are totally watching me in the bathroom RIGHT NOW OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING. GO AWAY GHOSTS! YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR MY NOISES!

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2.) Afraid that you always smell like sweaty, barfy ass.

Believe me, I get it. The constant smell checks, avoiding hugs, taking many a shower, I’ve been there. You’re worried you’ll be the oblivious person who decides that being out in public is a great idea post workout or sex romp. Don’t get too carried away, you probably don’t smell bad but you probably don’t smell great either.

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You can never go wrong with smelling these, unless you’re reading my used copy of “50 Shades of Grey.” Too bad some books aren’t printed in two or even three-ply.

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3.) After reading an article about TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome), tampons are DEAD to you.

Don’t get me wrong, there are real, legitimate reasons why women forgo tampons, but none of those reasons are why you want to ditch the absorbent little fuckers. When scary ass stories meet irrationality, that is sometimes the backbone of our decision making. It’s a fucked up process but it’s reality for people who suffer from anxiety.

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Even if you’ve never used them, tampons always come in handy in case of bullet wounds or a bloody nose. Don’t underestimate your creativity here. If someone wants to use them for vagina food, that is their choice but you ain’t about that life.

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4.) Being patient is impossible.

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Having everyday patience is hard. When you’re anxious, kicking the door in feels much more effective than opening it with a key. Just get the job done, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

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There. Wasn’t that satisfying? This too.

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5.) “Raging bitch” and “passive wimp” are you only two settings.

 

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And then….

“Great, my debit card isn’t working at the grocery store check-out, my son is crying about crayons, the store employees are staring at me like the terrible burden that I am, and period is running down my pant leg because I didn’t wear a fucking tampon. It’s fine. I’m fine. I don’t feel like dealing with this shit right now, I’m pissed enough to commit murder, but I’ll just roll my eyes and chive on.”

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6.) Warning everyone ahead of time how crazy you get when you’re drunk.

I rarely drink alcohol, but when I do, I give everyone a warning before shit gets crazy. I could never live down the “dumb drunk girl” reputation which, I imagine, is a fate worse than death.

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Just in case I embarrass myself, no one is shocked or surprised. When I end up being less crazy than they expected, it creates this illusion that I’ve been acting almost completely normal. I’ve thought this through many times. It works. The last time I was drunk, I broke my phone. Totally normal.

Thankfully, I’m more of a sensual drunk. Whatever that means.

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7.) Anxiety is personified as an extension of yourself.

I think of my anxiety as a possessive, creepy boyfriend. He loves me, keeps me well out of harm’s way, but he doesn’t like me going out much. No airplanes, no late nights, no medications, no heights, no new foods (possible allergies), no vacations unless local, no risk-taking, no strangers, etc. Sorry, fellow co-workers. I didn’t make it to the company picnic because jerk-boy said it was a no-go, too many dangerous possibilities. What would he do with himself if I died? He’d die too. He’s such a romantic sap and I fall for his evil manipulations every goddam time.

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8.) Exercising is your own personal hell, also not exercising is your own personal hell.

I cannot tell the difference between pushing myself and needing medical attention. Every time I run I think, “Is this it? This is it. I’m going to die now. Goodbye world. You’re a stupid whore, but I don’t want to leave you yet.”

It’s easier for me to stick to a workout if I know people are watching. I can’t lay in the corner and cuddle with a yoga ball like I do at home. My last personal trainer (that I had to fire because I’m poor) assured me that nobody is watching and judging. Well, this GIF certainly proves him a liar. I am jealous of this woman’s creative ability to avoid people. They can’t see her if she can’t see them. Logic goddess.

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Now, this is more my pace except I don’t get adequate stress relief without a full workout which tends to build up the walls of my own personal hell. Forget it, I cannot win.

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9.) Food Allergies

Maybe you have food allergies, maybe you don’t. But you tend to avoid new foods since, you know, allergies can strike anyone at anytime. What if you don’t have an EpiPen handy? What if you’re allergic to sperm and die topless on your knees? You NEVER know! Avoid all situations.

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10.) You stop giving a shit, then give too much shit.

You claim not to care what other’s think, but sometimes that’s a lie depending on your mood. And the cuntiness of your anxiety, of course.

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And then…

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11.) You develop symptoms for a rare disease you saw on Mystery Diagnosis.

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The mind is powerful and sometimes it does really stupid things. Oh god, I think I have a breast lump.

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Oh, that’s just my nipple. Carry on.

 

12.) A strained neck? No, a cancer for sure.

Doesn’t this GIF speak for itself?

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13.) A little tired? You have cancer and you’re probably going to die.

I shouldn’t say this but cancer is known to zap your energy. Instead of shrugging it off like a normal person though, you’re hyper-aware of any fatigue. Do you know what else zaps your energy? Everything.

Or maybe you’re afraid of the dark? I DON’T KNOW YOU!

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14.) Poking fun at people afraid of things that you’re surprisingly not.

If anyone knows why this is a no-no, it should be me but I’m an asshole. Can’t I be the cool cat who cracks jokes in a bad situation FOR ONCE?

Surprisingly, I’m not that scared of elevators but I can never shut my mouth when I’m in one. I HAVE to tell the story of the Texas doctor who was beheaded just above the lower jaw when a hospital elevator malfunctioned. Google it if you want more gruesome details.

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Then, my asshole-ness keeps me awake at night.

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15.) Always thinking you misspoke, even if you didn’t. Oh, but you did.

Hello…911? I accidently asked my boss how her brother was doing. Turns out he died over the weekend.

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Or the time I made an early morning phone call to my pastor (of a church I no longer attended) and woke him from a dead sleep to ask if I could borrow a Roman soldier costume.

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That was ten years ago. It still haunts me.

 

16.) Your body reacts to stressors that aren’t there. 

 

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As if there aren’t PLENTY of legitimate reasons to panic.

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17.) Parties aren’t that bad as long as you can fade into the walls.

Talking and mingling takes way too much energy. I’ll pass out by eight.

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18.) Any change in your normal routine gives you diarrhea.

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Also, pretending to be extroverted is a hardcore energy suck.

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19.) Children. They’re evil.

Yep, that’s gonna be a smelly one. Just wait until they want to jump on you when your nerves are completely shot. That’s when your sanity is truly tested.

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20.) People confused by your panic attacks.

 

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Stop looking stupid and confused. If you want to help me, don’t give me a dumbfounded look. Your fucking face makes it worse.

21.) You obsess over death.

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It’s alright. We get it. You’re not alone, Stephen.

 

*THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT* 

While this article is written in jest and sprinkled with the funny glitter, anxiety and depression are real and they are not so hilarious. So please, do not hesitate to reach out if you need help. How do you know if you need help? When you think you are beyond help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-8255

 

10 Reasons You’re a Pro-Circumcision Fart Bag (NSFW)

Written by Clara Brown

I used to think circumcision was a good thing. I was also an ignorant fart bag. Coincidence?

After doing a little research, I saw the light. I knew I was wrong. Very fucking wrong. Like pineapple-on-pizza wrong. If you like that shit, you’re wrong and a cunt.

 

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Whatever opinion you may have on infant circumcision, welcome. I ask that you not feel alienated because my beef is not with you. It’s with an article I read recently.

This article to be exact: —–>  10 Reasons I Will Always Be A Pro-Circumcision Mom by blogger and chick lit author Bethany Ramos.

When I first read the article, I wanted to punch someone.

*adjusts glasses*

What in the fuckitty-fucking shit is this shittery-shit factory of giant unholy blasphemous ballsacks?

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I recovered.

The second time I read it, I practiced deep breathing exercises and decided to prepare a CALM rebuttal with better GIFs but it went something like this:

 

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If you haven’t read this pro-circumcision article, you should. It’s fun. And by fun, I mean running butt-first into a preheated fire poker. Hey, we all have our kinks, right? I just maxed out my credit card buying Mind Bleach in bulk.

I have a low tolerance for poor research and crappy GIFs, especially on the subject of circumcision. I like to correct false information about this surgery whenever possible. I’m also not against non-therapeutic circumcision. I just happen to think that a man’s dick and how much dick he wants to keep or cut off is his decision.

This subject makes people uncomfortable too. I like to prod them with sticks for my amusement.

 

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A super fun quote from her article:

“Yes, I’m writing a blog post about it [circumcision] because the topic is interesting to me, and people deserve to be informed.”

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Yes, people deserve to be informed. If this subject interests you, I encourage you to keep researching.

In the mean time:

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*tearing apart your article like the rabid dog that I am*
*wink-wink* 

 

 

*Here are the top 10 reasons that make a person a pro-circumcision fart bag.*

1.) Citing the American Academy of Pediatrics. 

 

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Photo credit: Bethany Ramos

Does the American Academy of Pediatrics really endorse the benefits of circumcision? They seem to, however, this is what they actually have to say about it:

“The American Academy of Pediatrics believes that circumcision has potential medical benefits and advantages, as well as risks. Evaluation of current evidence indicates that the health benefits of newborn male circumcision outweigh the risks and that the procedure’s benefits justify access to this procedure for families who choose it, however, existing scientific evidence is not sufficient to recommend routine circumcision.”  Updated 05/14/2015

People seem to cling to the words “benefits” “outweigh” and “risks” while ignoring the rest. Yeah, that’s smart. Are your precious children not worth it for you to read the entire statement? I don’t know who puts their child through surgery for “potential” medical benefits when there are REAL, proven, risks involved with the surgery. You can read them all here: Stanford School of Medicine: Circumcision Complications

Besides that, the AAP can’t even recommend the procedure due to a lack of scientific evidence. But the benefits outweigh the risks? The “potential” benefits with a lack of scientific evidence? Seems to me they are cowardly dancing around the fact that they support infant circumcision with, again, a lack of scientific evidence. Seems legit.

Furthermore, the AAP circumcision task force is made up of only eight physicians. EIGHT! That is an octopus with eight doctor tentacles. Doctoctopus? God, what an ugly creature. It probably eats infant foreskins for snacks, shits em’ out, and then sells the steaming piles to bio-medical and cosmetic companies for profit.

“Is that baby foreskin in your wrinkle cream? Or turd juice from the AAP Doctoctopus?”

Not one medical organization in the world recommends circumcision for infant males. In fact, European doctors strongly discourage it.

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You can read that report here: From the AAP’s own website.  Cultural Bias in the AAP’s Policy Statement on Male Circumcision

The international group that condemns the AAP’s position on circumcision is made up of 37 doctors from 16 different countries. You can read that rebuttal here: HERE

“There are no compelling health arguments in favor of circumcision, while it can have serious long-term urological, psychological and sexual consequences. And performing medically unwarranted circumcision of underage boys conflicts with good medical practice. Male infant circumcision conflicts with children’s rights and the doctors’ oath not to do harm.”

This statement echoes the Royal Dutch Medical Association’s circumcision policy. Not to mention countless others around the world.

That sure mouth-punches the AAP baby-foreskin-eating Doctoctopus into oblivion. Good riddance, because that thing was messy and stupid.

 

 

2.) Citing “The New York Times” as “proof” of support of infant circumcision.

 

rebuttal 2                                                   Photo Credit: Bethany Ramos

I hate to break it to you (no I don’t) but The New York Times is a newspaper. Shit happens and they report that shit. If Florida Man lit his balls on fire while screaming racist profanities at the neighborhood pigeons, it doesn’t mean the newspaper reporting the incident agrees with his antics. Do you see the difference? The New York Times quoted the American Academy of Pediatrics when the new circumcision policy statement was released in 2012. The article was well balanced and cited pro-intact opinions as well.

But if we are going to get all technical n’ shit, I want to share this gem:

Group Backs Ritual ‘Nick’ as Female Circumcision Option

Anyone want to take a guess at who that “group” is?

Anyone?

The American Academy of Pediatrics. (AAP)

WHAT?!!!

 

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AWKWARD! The New York Times reported that the American Academy of Pediatrics previously endorsed (ENDORSED!) female genital mutilation because “religion and culture” as recently as 2010. The AAP later retracted their proposal after people went ape shit.

Here’s to you and your “research.”

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3.) Making bullshit assumptions and spreading more bullshit. 

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                                              Photo Credit: Bethany Ramos

While the above statement is not inherently false, it is misleading. What is the actual stance of the World Health Organization in regards to circumcision?

“There is compelling evidence that male circumcision reduces the risk of heterosexually acquired HIV infection in men by approximately 60%. Three randomized controlled trials have shown that male circumcision provided by well trained health professionals in properly equipped settings is safe. WHO/UNAIDS recommendations emphasize that male circumcision should be considered an efficacious intervention for HIV prevention in countries and regions with heterosexual epidemics, high HIV and low male circumcision prevalence.

Male circumcision provides only partial protection, and therefore should be only one element of a comprehensive HIV prevention package which includes: the provision of HIV testing and counseling services; treatment for sexually transmitted infections; the promotion of safer sex practices; the provision of male and female condoms and promotion of their correct and consistent use.”

The WHO says nothing about infant circumcision. They only support circumcision of men in HIV prevalent countries, which is NOT North America (in case some of you are confused). Sexually acquired HIV is not a risk factor for an infant nor should it be a deciding factor for a child because it’s not even relevant.

BUT WAIT! HANG THE FUCK ON! There’s more.

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What about the WHO’s claim that circumcision can reduce the spread of HIV up to approximately 60%? Is it true OR bullshit pseudoscience? First of all, the 60% figure comes from a relative rate of reduction. The difference in HIV prevalence between intact and cut men from the study was: 2.49% to 1.18%. The WHO makes it sound as if circumcision will decrease the chance of a heterosexual man contracting HIV by 60%.

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It is no secret that the three randomized controlled trials (RTC) are heavily criticized by the global medical and scientific communities. Why? For a shit-load of reasons, but some of the main highlights include:

“Numerous serious flaws in these RCTs included: inadequate equipoise, researcher and participant expectation bias, selection bias, inadequate blinding, problematic randomization, lead-time bias, attrition bias/participants lost to follow-up, early termination, and failure to control for non-sexual transmission of HIV, all of which most probably exaggerated treatment effects.”  Source: http://m.pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/130/1/e175/reply

“Peer Reviewed” studies? The peer reviewers say: YOUR CRAP SCIENCE IS UNETHICAL BULLSHIT!!

“Billions of dollars to circumcise millions of African males as an HIV infection prevention have been sought, yet the effectiveness of circumcision has not been demonstrated. Data from 109 populations comparing HIV prevalence and incidence in men based on circumcision status were evaluated using meta-regression. The impact on the association between circumcision and HIV incidence/prevalence of the HIV risk profile of the population, the circumcision rates within the population and whether the population was in Africa were assessed. No significant difference in the risk of HIV infection based on the circumcision status was seen in general populations. Studies of high-risk populations and populations with a higher prevalence of male circumcision reported significantly greater odds ratios (odds of intact man having HIV) (p < .0001). When adjusted for the impact of a high-risk population and the circumcision rate of the population, the baseline odds ratio was 0.78 (95% CI = 0.56-1.09). No consistent association between presence of HIV infection and circumcision status of adult males in general populations was found. When adjusted for other factors, having a foreskin was not a significant risk factor. This undermines the justification for using circumcision as a primary preventive for HIV infection.” Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/25760456/

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Let’s take this a step further:

If we are to assume the male foreskin harbors dangerous bacteria and viruses, we would see a significant decrease in HIV among countries with a high circumcision rate. The truth is, there is no discernible difference. Look at it this way, there is a reason why most of the world’s parents are not trying to circumcise their infants as a way to prevent disease.

The circumcised US actually has a higher rate of HIV infection than intact Europe. How’s that for a fun fact?

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4.) Believing circumcision pain is equivalent to baby shots. 

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Do you even logic? How on Earth would a shot be equivalent to surgery? The genitals are the most highly innervated parts of the body, not to mention babies feel pain as intensely as adults do if not more. http://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2015-04-21-babies-feel-pain-adults

Hmmm, do I want a needle-prick? Or do I want someone to forcibly spread my legs and saw off my clitoral hood?

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But if you’re really convinced circumcision isn’t that painful for a baby, you can watch this video: neonatal circumcision. Don’t worry. The surgery is “very simple.” The video was posted on YouTube in 2010 by Kevin M. Windisch MD from Sparks, Nevada. The doctor is circumcising his own son, Benjamin, with full anesthetic.

Currently, there is no proven method to eliminate circumcision pain according to a study measuring effective types of pain relief for neonates. Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0012623/

Even if a child is too young to hold a conscious memory of the procedure, the body still remembers. When the body experiences pain or trauma, the adrenal gland releases a stress hormone called “cortisol.” Elevated levels of cortisol in a newborn have proven to negatively affect brain development. Infant trauma has real life-long consequences in adults including: increased anxiety, altered pain sensitivity, stress disorders, hyperactivity/attention disorder, impaired social skills, and patterns of self-destructive behavior. Sources: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/10657682/ ; Science Daily: Pain In Infancy Alters Response to Stress, Anxiety Later in Life

Suppose the procedure is pain-free, would that excuse it? No, it wouldn’t. Because circumcision is a permanent, irreversible procedure and should only be done to consenting adults and in the case of an immediate medical need. Don’t hate. All I want is for boys to have the same right to genital integrity as girls. American Girls have legal protection from non-therapeutic surgery on their genitals. Why is it so much to ask for boys?

 

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“Shouldn’t the fact that you are comforting yourself by saying ‘He won’t remember it’ tell you that what you’re about to do is not good? You admit circumcision is unethical and inhumane the moment you have to justify it by saying your child won’t remember it.” – Seth Grimmr, Human Rights Activist

 

5.) Dropping the erroneous “hygiene” argument. 

 

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Photo Credit: Bethany Ramos

 

 

Which medical professionals recommend it for basic little boy hygiene?

These ones?

 

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The foreskin is fused to the head of the penis (glans) by a delicate membrane and naturally separates over time. The foreskin does not fully retract until the average age of ten. During the circumcision, the foreskin must be forcibly separated from the glans before the cutting even begins. It’s akin to ripping a fingernail from a finger.

There is no “extra” cleaning required for intact boys. In fact, intact boys are easier to clean than circumcised boys. Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/9393302/
Some of you may have chosen to circumcise your son because you thought you’d be constantly cleaning and fiddling with his penis. Sorry to say, you were misinformed. You may as well have circumcised him to prevent unicorn attacks.

Many parents are advised to forcibly retract the foreskin and clean underneath. This is not only bad advice, but can be very painful and permanently damaging to a child. Forceful retraction causes micro-tears in the delicate tissue resulting in inflammation and infection. Of course, many parents are just doing what they were instructed to do by a “medical professional.” Imagine if they told people to swab their daughter’s vaginas out with a Q-tip at every diaper change. Infection city? Oh yeah.

 

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This ignorance has been such an issue among American medical professionals that various news outlets have issued warnings for parents. The Huffington Post: If Your Son Is Not Circumcised Beware the Well-Baby Check

BEWARE THE CREEPY QUACK WHO TRIES TO PULL IT BACK.

Furthermore, what is more hygienic than an open wound in a diaper exposed to urine and feces?

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The hygiene argument isn’t even valid. If we want to justify cutting healthy tissue from a boy’s private parts for “hygiene” we should start with women. Women get more infections (such as UTI’s), have more folds for bacteria to hide, bleed once a month, and have a retractable foreskin. Would it be logical to remove parts of women’s genitals for “hygiene?” Why not? Because it’s cruel, oppressive, sexist, and overall bigoted? Well, yeah.

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The hygiene argument is a residual idea from the Victorian Era. American doctors from the late 1800’s prescribed circumcision as a treatment for masturbation. They believed that burping the worm lead to insanity and eventually death. Sexuality back then was viewed as sinful and inherently dirty and dangerous. So when you say, “circumcision is cleaner,” what you’re actually saying is, “sexual libido is dirty.” A cut penis is a pure and righteous penis.

Why do you think circumcision became highly medicalized in America but not other developed countries? Because Americans are prude assholes. That’s why.

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Don’t hate on Americans though. Female cutting cultures spout the same malarkey.

“[Female Circumcsion] It takes away excessive libido from women

It prevents unpleasant odours which result from foul secretions beneath the prepuce.

It reduces the incidence of urinary tract infections

It reduces the incidence of infections of the reproductive system.

In the book on Traditions that affect the health of women and children, which was published by the World Health Organization in 1979 it says:

With regard to the type of female circumcision which involves removal of the prepuce of the clitoris, which is similar to male circumcision, no harmful health effects have been noted.” 

Source: http://islamqa.info/en/45528

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6.) Giving excuses, not reasons. 

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Circumcision to reduce the risk of UTI’s (Urinary Tract Infections)? The overall risk of a UTI for an infant boy is 1%. (Girls are at a higher risk due to shorter urethras. Girls receive antibiotics, not genital surgery.)

“Given a risk in normal boys of about 1%, the number-needed-to-treat to prevent one UTI is 111. “

“Haemorrhage and infection are the commonest complications of circumcision, occurring at rate of about 2%.”  Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1720543/

“Meatal stenosis is a relatively common acquired condition occurring in 9-10% of males who are circumcised. This disorder is characterized by an upward deflected, difficult-to-aim urinary stream and, occasionally, dysuria and urgent, frequent, and prolonged urination. Surgical meatotomy is curative. Source: Meatal Stenosis: Background

“But…but…but, the benefits outweigh the risks….”

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Of course, forcefully retracting the foreskin actually causes UTI’s and penile inflammation.

When will this circus of stupid end?

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Penile Cancer? Fuckin’ really? Is it possible that penis reduction surgery (circumcision) would reduce the risk of cancer? Sure. But only in the foreskin, the part of the body that a cut man no longer has. The only way to prevent penile cancer is to chop off the entire penis. So let’s cut out the vulva of baby girls to prevent vulvar cancer. Because:

“In the United States, women have a 1 in 333 chance of developing vulvar cancer at some point during their life.” Source: American Cancer Society- Vulvar Cancer Statistics

Okay? Okay? Guys? STAY WITH ME HERE.

“Penile cancer is rare in North America and Europe. It occurs in less than 1 man in 100,000 and accounts for less than 1% of cancers in men in the United States.” Source: American Cancer Society- Penile Cancer Statistics

Circumcision to prevent penile cancer is a logic train wreck. It doesn’t even make sense.

 

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7.) Lack of critical thinking. 

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 Photo Credit: Bethany Ramos

Your pediatrician:

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Also, your pediatrician’s logic summed up in a GIF: 

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Let me get this straight: Circumcising a grown man is “invasive and painful” but NOT for a fragile infant?

Science doesn’t agree with your “pediatrician.”

“Conclusions: Pain is mild to moderate after circumcision in adults under general anesthesia with an intraoperative penile block. Severe pain is rare and mostly related to complications. Younger patients generally have more discomfort.” Source: American Urological Association – How Painful is Adult Circumcision?

According to many pro-circumcision dip-shits, the male foreskin in infancy is “just a flap of skin” removed by a “simple and nearly painless procedure.”

But on a grown man, the foreskin suddenly turns on its owner and becomes a-huge-smelly-confusing-Rubik’s-cube, and if removed, the pain is so bad that getting finger-fucked by zombies outside a Bed, Bath, and Beyond is merciful by comparison.

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But how common is a medically necessary circumcision?

According to a study from Finland, where you know, they aren’t trying to rip back baby foreskins to clean underneath, the risk is 1 in 16,667. To put this into perspective, your son has a 1 in 1000 chance of developing breast cancer. It makes more sense to remove his breast buds than part of his penis.

Doctors shouldn’t be recommending circumcision, but for some reason, society assumes that medical school makes a person immune to psychopathic behavior. Granted some doctors are horribly misinformed and some just enjoy skinning things for a good time.

 

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8.) Carving a sexual preference into a child. 

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Photo Credit: Bethany Ramos

 

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I’m not sure what the sexual preference of an adult (specifically a boy’s mother) has to do with his penis. I guess she plans on using it someday? Not sure. But aesthetics should never be brought up in a conversation about a child’s sex organs, ever. That is creepy and disgusting.

Since “looks” were mentioned though, take a glance at the below comparisons. Which looks better to you?

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It doesn’t matter which one looks better to you. What matters is that the owner of the penis gets to decide what looks better to HIM. If a man wants to be circumcised, he can make that choice himself as a consenting adult. Shit, he can get it done in an afternoon. If a cut man wants to be intact? He cannot magically regrow his foreskin. He’s fucked.

An option that some men are pursuing is foreskin restoration. This does not replace everything that circumcision takes away, but it brings back the gliding mechanism and glans coverage, some of the many functions that are lost to circumcision. Much like ear gauging, foreskin restoration is painless and encourages the growth of new skin and it slowly covers the glans over a period of four to six years. It would be irresponsible to think your son could just restore if he isn’t happy with his circumcision, therefore the surgery is justifiable. I’m sure he’ll be cursing your name with every tug, for the next four to six years.

“Before I began restoring, I had extremely tight, painful erections, with little to no pleasure. After starting restoration, I no longer have tight painful erections and I have an incredible amount of pleasure.” – Race Allen Craft, Human Rights Activist

9.) Downplaying the harms of circumcision while hiding behind laws that protect your own gender. 

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“Circumcision is not that big of a deal.”

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Imagine if these babies were little girls, would that change your perspective?

 

“Circumcision is not that big of a deal.”

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“Circumcision is not that big of a deal.”

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“Circumcision is not that big of a deal.”

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“Circumcision is not that big of a deal.”

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#IAmNotThankful

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“I am a thirty year-old white woman from the American South, born in a Catholic hospital to non-religious parents and I was circumcised. I’m missing more than most FGM victims, and yet I’m still thankful I’m not a man. If I were a man, I’d be missing my g-spot, even as a mutilated woman, I still have that. I still orgasm. I had a child (though birth was difficult). They are equally atrocious acts, but speaking in terms of loss, men lose much much more.” -Amber Baxley, Human Rights Activist (pictured above) 

In America, female genital mutilation (classified as removal of partial or all female genitalia without medical need, pin-pricks and nicks included) was outlawed in 1997. Although the 14th Amendment reads as follows:

“All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” – Section 1, 14th Amendment, United States Constitution.

According to the US Constitution, not only do males have a right to their own property, (the right to keep all their normal, natural body parts intact) but the US must enforce laws to protect males just like they currently do for females. It is about equality. If you do not support a male child’s right to keep his natural body intact so he can make decisions regarding his own body and sexuality, you do not support equality. It’s that simple.

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10.) Having no idea what “pro-choice” means. 

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Photo Credit: Bethany Ramos

 

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Children are not property and parents do not own their bodies. Exactly why do you want to own your son’s penis? Does it make you feel big? Does it make you feel powerful?

The foreskin ignorance in America is so thick, I could tie it around my neck and hang myself.

 

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I consider myself “pro-choice” too but I support a man’s choice to make this decision for himself. If you wouldn’t support a parent’s choice to circumcise their daughter, it doesn’t make sense to support it for their son. Unless you’re a sexist bigot, of course.

 

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11.) BONUS! Believing that Female Genital Mutilation is “worse” than circumcision.

By now, many of you have heard of “female genital mutilation.” You’ve likely read about the sadistic shit they do to girls in the name of “culture.”

When you think of female genital mutilation, you probably think of a little girl being dragged into a straw hut and forcibly raped with a broken bottle or rusty razor, her genitals mutilated, bleeding, and barely recognizable. The truth is, this form of FGM is the rarest form. The most extreme, yes, but the rarest form. It typically takes place in unsanitary conditions in regions of Sub-Saharan Africa.

Something you likely didn’t know: boys are also victims of genital mutilation in these harsh, unsanitary conditions. So far this year, in the South African region, 14 boys have died and 141 have suffered major injuries as a result of circumcision.

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The most common forms of FGM take place in a sterile medical setting, just like male circumcision in America. They typically remove the female foreskin for reasons mirroring the reasons we do for males: greed, ignorance, fear, myth, religion, superstition, bullshit fuckery non-sense. American girls are legally protected but “culture” doesn’t stop some people from mutilating their daughters. Almost 500,000 women and girls living in the US are victims of FGM. Education is our most powerful ally.

image4                       Achlee White lifting the female foreskin and pointing to the head of the clitoris (head of penis in a male)

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I often hear this: “But they are not comparable.”

They are not comparable you say? Even a small clitoral nick or a piercing is considered FGM, but removing the entire prepuce of a male is “not as bad as FGM?”

If a child was raped, surely you wouldn’t first ask if the child was male or female before determining the severity of the assault. If a child was beaten, you wouldn’t decide that it was worse if the child was female rather than male.

So why do you use this logic when children (male, female, and intersex) are held down against their will and a knife taken to their most sensitive private parts?

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Take some time, digest this material. Look up the policies on circumcision for yourself. Read the entire statement. Read the studies. Educate yourself on cultural or societal conditioning. Learn the functions of the foreskin, learn about genital anatomy, learn about human rights. If you’ve done all of that and still choose to be “pro-circumcision” or “pro-parent’s choice” you’re not only a fart bag;

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Featured Image via ShutterStock

Interview With My Little Brother About His Little Monsters

Yes, I know what you’re thinking.

My little brother has butt gremlins.

Or murderous robot-monkey-closet-worms. (drawing ideas, Jared. take notes)

“Butt” no.

This is where I interview my little brother, Jared Nuckels, about his artwork and his dark. surrealistic monsters.

A little ice-breaker: Jared is four years younger than me. We grew up in the same household with the same anxious and loving parents. Both of which were teachers.

Jared likes drawing creepy shit and I like writing about creepy shit. Neither of us got together and decided this would be our path. We discovered ourselves independently.  I walked along my life road one day, chewing on my own sense of self-worth, and Jared happened to be on the road next to mine. So I waved. He waved back. And now we talk about monsters n’ shit.  Funny, because I used to “not like this guy very much.”

When we were kids, he went on a hike with his friend and was gone for while. It started to rain. I cried while my parents went looking for him. They found him in the desert behind our house. One of those, “I just lost track of time” excuses. The point is, I only hated him when it was clear he wasn’t in danger, which isn’t really hate at all. Then I think about the time when we fought using our granddad’s fishing nets as weapons. Stick-fighting actually. The duel ended when I knocked his pole into the water and everyone could hear us screaming as we were out on the lake in a paddle boat. Sound carries when you’re on the water you know?

Enough of the that nonsense.

Here are some of Jared’s drawings. *rubs your face in art*

10341574_712056415537528_593077247450315073_n                                                                    “Adventure Time” 

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  “Falkor and Bastian” 

 

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 “Anxiety”

 

 

10492588_713173712092465_5133114902555248512_n  “Slenderman vs. Jack Skellington”

 

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                                                    “Sorrow, Psychosis, and Vengeance” 

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“White Heart” 

 10848033_795823763827459_1791093491982246318_n“Utterly Confused”

 

Now for the fun part.

Disclaimer: I wrote this while mildly intoxicated and I have suspicions that Jared was too.

Me: So, Jared. I see you’re moving your skinny ass up the ranks of art. You’re getting better with every drawing. People love you.  When did this madness begin? How old were you?

Jared:  When I was about five.

Me: What inspired you to draw monsters?

Jared: Aliens, Clara! Aliens inspired me. I became obsessed with them after I saw the movies.

Me: I can’t say those movies made me feel the same way. In fact, I’m jealous of you in a way. You realized your passion early in your life while it took me a while. But I did write stories at a young age about the mean girl in class breaking her ass going down the slide. Then I distributed copies. It was then treated as contraband. I’m going to go ahead and pat myself on the back for that one.

Me:  When you were a child, I remember you got in some hot water (more like hot tar and chicken feathers) because you drew a picture of a little girl falling down a hole into hell. You drew demons at the bottom ravenously awaiting her arrival. You gave this drawing to a little girl in class as a moving-away card. Do you think you were out of line or just misunderstood?

Jared: I didn’t completely understand why I drew something that was obviously disturbing. It wasn’t because I worship Satan or anything it was more like I wanted to do something different. While all of the other children drew flowers and bumblebees, I felt I wanted to take it to a new level. It turned out to be simply the opposite of what everyone else found acceptable.

Me: You were misunderstood. I’ve been there. Although I wouldn’t know what to think if a little boy gave my daughter a disturbing picture like that. It could be viewed as a threat or as a death wish for the recipient. Nope, you just wanted to show your skills. Legit, Bro.

Me: Tell me about your struggles with anxiety, depression, and mental illness.

Jared: I wouldnt say “struggle.” More like I have lived with anxiety that has helped me overcome many addictions such as smoking.

Me: Do you believe madness and genius are siblings?

Jared: I believe that madness makes a genius smarter and genius makes a mad man dangerous. It can be either or.

Me: Would you say your artistic ability was a product of doing hard drugs during adolescence?

Jared: It could very well be a possibility.

Me: Ah. I was expecting you to say “I’ve never done hard drugs.” The point of an interview is getting to know you and getting to know you I am. #awkward #family #moments

Jared: OK, how bout’ instead of that I answered with, “Hmm need to think about that. Lemme take a shot real quick.”

Me:  Sounds more like Jared.

Me: How do you deal with “Drawer’s Block?”

Jared: Well, I quit smoking. That helped a lot. Also, not having a job. That also helps.

Me: Where do you want your art to take you?

Jared:  Filmmaking.

Me: Ah.

 Jared:  Or anything I can get into with it.

Me:  What is your biggest muse?

Jared:  To bring surrealism back into the light.

Me: Would you get a tattoo of one of your monsters?

Jared:  Perhaps in the future when I get better at it.

Me:  You are already drawing on a professional level.

Jared:  I don’t think so. I’m still missing quite a few techniques.

Me:  Just keep drawing, Just keep drawing, Just keep drawing, drawing, drawing…

Why does mom hate you?

Jared:  Because that bitch is old and as a grandmother she’s got lots of gold.

 Me: That doesn’t make sense. I would agree with the former but not the latter.

I’m kidding. Mom loves and supports you just as much as all of us.

Me:  What piece of advice can you give to aspiring artists?

Jared: Watch trippy movies, listen to good music and personal demons.

Me: What about personal demons?

Jared: It truly is a form of meditation by keeping them trapped to a piece of paper.

Me: You know what advice I have for you little bro?

Jared: What?

 

ART HARDER MOTHER FUCKER!! (AND KISS THE AIR) 

Clara

 

End of interview. You may now retreat back to your moldy caves.

 

Jared Nuckels is an illustrator of anything monsters and dark surrealism. He lives in Kingman, Arizona with his partner, Dakota.

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To order prints or to contact Jared about custom artwork, please visit his Deviant Art page: http://jarednuckels.deviantart.com/

Thanks for hangin’

Mother Fuckers

 

 

Why You Should Stop Using “Cocksucker” as an Insult

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Why should you stop using “Cocksucker” as an insult?

Because it’s not an insult.

Signed,

– a really great cocksucker

I Love It When A Man Calls Me A Cunt

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“Bun” by David Lanham

 

No, really. I love it when a man calls me a cunt.

Or a whore, a skank, stupid, or the classic, “You’re a woman and have no place in this argument.”

“You don’t have a dick, you can’t talk about this like you know. Case closed, good bye.”

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I got that gem today! How sweet. I think he likes me. He sounds like a real hair-flipper.

See, I have this weird hobby. I participate in debates online. I’ve been doing it for about five years. It started on Facebook with the discussion of the ignorant show “Whale Wars.”  Since then, I was hooked. I have debated topics from gay rights and abortion to public breastfeeding, and infant circumcision. I have even debated about “The Little Mermaid.” I can’t even remember what that particular argument was about, but it gave me a bitchin’ headache.

Throughout the years of name-calling, death threats, and sexual harassment which comes along with the festering shit-bucket that is the internet, I have learned that when someone is desperately trying to prove me wrong, they are much better teachers.

And the more I learn, the more I step into the role of the teacher.

Some men do not like that.

In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I’ve had a fair share of women say, “Do you have a penis? Then what right do you have to speak about a men’s issue?”

Those lousy skags typically give their “two-cents” and disappear. And for the ever-loving-fucking record, all debates that require logic and education are gender neutral. All of them. It doesn’t matter what kind of ugly come-dripping monster you have between your stems.

Why do I actually *like* it when a man calls me names?

It depends on the man. If this person is a friend, and he means his insult, he will be banished to the Dusty Spam Dungeon of Thick-Headed Neanderthals. (DSDofTHN) It’s a real place, you know. Friends don’t abuse each other. They just don’t.

Moving on.

If that man is a random stranger on the internet and decides my vagina makes me wrong, I smile.

Because his reality is collapsing. His archaic idea of “me man, me better” is called into question and he cannot handle it.

He can’t even.

The emotional outburst of rotten word sewage spewing from a man because “you’re a woman” means progress. He’s down on his knees. His eggshell is cracking and I can feel the yolk pooling under my feet. It ferments between my toes. It’s quite glorious.

If you want to counter my argument, do so with facts, reputable sources, and peer reviewed studies. My vagina does not inherently make me wrong. If you believe that, congratulations, you’re a sexist oinker.

Whenever a man stops debating and starts name-calling, I know his brain has short-circuited and a misogynist is exposed.

Perhaps there is hope for him. Maybe he will grow up and see the error of his ways. Maybe he will learn to have more respect for the opposite sex.

There is hope. If a sexist man is to drop his shitty beliefs, his tapestry of faux-reality must be unwoven.

And you can count on me to yank that first goddamn thread.


I have Synesthesia. Do You?

This is the first time I’ve gone public about my synesthesia. Mostly because I had no idea it was a thing until, you know, Google. And Google is the future Multivac. I’ll bet money on that.

So what is “Synesthesia?”

It’s a perceptual or neurological phenomenon in which the stimulation of one sensory leads to an automatic, involuntary response in another. One theory is that it is caused by a gene mutation in the brain. In other words, my brain meats are crossed. My senses overlap. I can’t think of the number “9” without thinking of a middle-aged purple guy. Only about 4% percent of humans have synesthesia and about 20%-25% of artists have it. Synesthesia is more common in left-handers and women. Why women? Because females. That’s why.

I’m sure many people (maybe even you) have this gift but are simply unaware of it. Here are some examples:  I associate colors with numbers, days of the week, and months of the year. Numbers not only have their own colors, but sexes and even personalities. 1 and 2 are kids. 3 is a teenager, 4 is motherly, 5 is the cool guy, and 6 is a dickish asshole. 6 is always trying to bully 5 but he lets it roll off his back. 8 and 9 are middle-aged men. Not all numbers are as distinguished in my mind, but that is how I see them.

I have Grapheme–color synesthesia, spatial sequence synesthesia, and number form. I also have a thing for directions like north, south, east, and west. My favorite is southeast. If you are interested in learning more about the different types, I encourage you to ask the Google wizard.

These are the numbers 0-20 and letters with their associated colors as I perceive them. The patterns you see were not made-up. They are also marked as either male or female.

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The letter “D” may be brown because I think of the word “dog shit” often but I can’t be certain.

Days of the week as I perceive them. This is where I get into the spatial sequence synesthesia. There is a place in my mind where I view them in space/time and I feel a sense of “location” depending on what day it is. Again, not a conscious design, but FUCK YEAH WEEKENDS!

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My perception of 1 PM through 12 AM. There is a spatial situation going on. Or a fucking crazy situation. I don’t know, maybe I’m a lunatic.

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My perception of 1 AM through 12 PM. Yes, the colors do coordinate with night and day somewhat. And to clarify, the length or size of the hour doesn’t correlate to how long they feel for me.

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My number line is the strangest because it involves all three types of synesthesia that I have.

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Since the numbers are too small to see clearly, the black line represents positive numbers and the blue represents negative numbers. It’s backwards compared to the traditional number line we were taught in school. The first curve on the black line is at 10 and then it curves again at 100, then at 10,000, then again at 100,000, then 10,000,000 and so on, just like gigantic stairs except on their sides. Since I rarely think about negative numbers, they don’t have any form. It’s just a vast sea or nebula of numbers floating around in space/time. I see everything in spatial sequence like I have my own personal number vault and I swim around it like King Candy in Wreck-It- Ralph.

I remember a Montana rafting trip I took with my parents and grandmother. I was about four or five at the time. We were gently floating down a river and the raft took a turn around a bend. Some switch went off in my brain and I asked my mother, “Are we at the store? Is this the store?” I know we weren’t at the grocery store but turning around that corner made me think of something completely unrelated. I asked my mother because that “connection” didn’t make sense to me at the time.

So why does synesthesia matter? Is it akin to rolling your tongue or being double jointed? Or lighting your farts in such a way that it produces a smiley face? My greyhound would never come near me again if I did that. He has the backbone of a sack of scrotums.

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Whoops, how did that get in there?

Many famous artists, composers, poets, writers, and scientists have this condition. That is no coincidence. If your senses cross paths you have a unique look into the empty spaces between reality and something else entirely. The space where raw art is yanked from its roots and brought forth into reality. It is then refined and shaped into something others can enjoy. Your senses can help you create metaphors and similes in writing as well as experiences for your audience. I’m proud of my gift and I only hope others like me can use theirs to better humanity. You can’t have a world with too much beauty.